My own journey through relationships has taught me much, mostly around compromise, ego and short term versus long term romance. I’ve also spent a huge amount of time studying the Universal Laws of Nature. Putting these two often disparate elements together has create, what I think, are the indelible, natural, sacred principles that nature intends with human love. I’ll share them here:
1. Falling in Love Everyday
The art of falling in love is, for most, an accidental and supernatural experience. I read all too many blogs and Facebook comments about, “ahhhh I fell in love” and the consequence of that sporadic at best philosophy, is that falling out of love is just as spontaneous, just as supernatural.
Most people live in memory. They remember the great few months or years when they first met their love and they live for the moment, in hope that, it will reappear. It often doesn’t. In this scenario couples do all sorts of crazy stunts to try to regenerate the love they felt in the honeymoon period of their relationship like: Making babies, shifting house, doing tantra, going to parties and more… sometimes people even eat and drink in order to re-capture the essence of that superb and totally wonderful time, when they first fell in love. In this state of relationship, memory holds a couple together and hope drives them to keep working at it.
If you go to a casino, you find people standing at tables, pockets empty of cash hoping that they can repeat that one win they had three times past, that one lucky spin of the roulette wheel that fed them enough hope and created enough memory to cause an addiction. It’s a game of chance and people subconsciously hope that the more often they blow on dice, cross their fingers, look to heaven or whatever ritual they’ve discovered, the more probability of success they have. This is akin to having more sex, cooking better dinners, making more money, having more holidays, complying with partner’s complaints, working less… hoping to fall in love again.
The problem and therefore solution to this roulette wheel strategy for falling in love, is that it’s exclusive.
Exclusive love is not love. Exclusive love is emotional infatuation, a blip on the radar, a coincidence of fate. Unconditional love on the other hand starts with the love of nature, (not save the whales) love of insects, love of trees, love of oceans, rivers, sunsets, wind, tsunami, mountains… This love is a love that can be called “awe” and one feels “awesome” when filled with it.
An empty person, who is so busy doing stuff in life comes to relationship hoping to be filled with love. They are a vacuum flask hoping to suck the life-force out of a relationship or person to fill the vacuum. This is like pouring water into a leaking bucket, and no self respecting individual is going to do that long term.
A fulfilled person comes to relationship to share – give what they’ve already got. They have love and they have it in abundance. There’s no neediness, no compromise, no “fill me up I’m empty” thinking. Hence, that individual who is filled with love will “turn up” happy, and won’t be interested in short term “love bites.”
To turn up filled with love we need to stop.
Stopping is a lost art. People run all day, run late, run to things, forget themselves, pour their heart and soul and emotion into a job that, at the end of the day, is nothing more than greed. There is, for most, no link to a purpose greater than themselves and family in work, hence, it’s like chopping wood for a fire, on the side of a volcano. No need for it really.
Falling in love everyday has nothing to do with relationship. Falling in love everyday is all about attitude. If we can’t stop, can’t space our time, can’t take a moment to observe the beauty of life, can’t see the sunset, can’t witness the birds or the cats or the leaves or flowers, we’ve lost it. And when we lose that, relationship becomes the last hope in hell.
No relationship is designed to offset that level of life incompetence. Ignorance is not substituted by love. Ignorance permeates love. So, a person who cannot fall in love 50 times a day, by stopping, witnessing and experiencing for a second or two (that totals exactly 50 seconds a day) will not sustain a romantic home life.
That is, in my observation from nature, key 1.
Key 2. EvolveYaBastard
When I walk down the street in Sydney at night, especially on hot summer nights, the crunch of cockroaches under my feet sends my mind racing. I don’t like killing innocent creatures no matter how ugly. So, I say, “evolveyabastard” hoping that, in a joking way, destroying that life accidentally, will mean that cockroach comes back in it’s next life, maybe as a frog or something nice…It’s sort of a joke but, at least my conscience is clear.
The purpose of a relationship is not happiness. It is to evolve us. All nature evolves at the border of support and challenge. Many people don’t understand this and seek relationship for support.
One of the most corrupt corporate models in HR and Cultural Development is the model of Harmony and Wellbeing in the workplace. Here, people are taught to be “Emotionally Intelligent” or “Communicate Good Leadership” which in essence means, avoid confrontation.
Any model of life that advocates avoiding confrontation is an attack on the human condition, human nature because confrontation is as important a variable to human development, leadership and good health as peace and harmony. All nature evolves as a result of the balance between confrontation and harmony. Hence, a person who is “forced” or “coerced” to function under the corporate paradigm of non confrontation is being told, “take your frustration home.”
Too many HR and Culture change experts over specialise in their teaching. They talk about leadership as if it’s separate from family. It’s not. In fact, if you polarise somebody at work to a certain leadership “righteous” model, you automatically send that person home to express the opposite with their children and partner.
So, the second key to sustainable happy relationship is, treat yourself as a whole person, no segmentation, no fragmentation. Welcome balance at work and at home.
This step is based on a realistic, nature based expectation of life. For those with paranormal and religious expectations of life, this will be challenging. Also, for those with desperate personal circumstances, this will be very difficult because there is not the freedom to see balance as healthy.
In a healthy, sustainable long term relationship we arrive home balanced, because we work balanced, and we arrive at work balanced because we left home balanced, enjoying the natural course of support and challenge and adapting as a result. In simple language of the outback Aussie, Evolveyabastard…..
Key 3. Interdependence
It is wise for you to look up the sacred geometry of the vesica piscis — Wikipedia has a great explanation
When two people are the same, one of them isn’t necessary.
So, nature builds relationships on the principle of 60/40….. it can be observed in all stars, molecules, trees, herds of animals, national boundaries, money and, most relevant to this article, relationships between lovers.
In summary the vesica piscis demonstrates the degree of independence one must maintain in a relationship in order for it to thrive.
It also demonstrates that, in the area in overlap in the centre of the two circles, there must be at least 33.33333% of common ground.
If there is more than 33.333333% common ground in a relationship the couple will fight. If there is less than 33.333333% the couple will lose interest, attraction and romance.
The 33.33333% of common ground can be anything. It may be children, a house, sex, money, business, politics, friendship. All human relationships comply with this model. In fact, as I’ve noted already, all nature is held in place, and often displaced, in order to comply with this Universal Law.
Within this vesica piscis inside the centre overlap you will find the foundations of all other sacred symbols. The Christian Cross, the Jewish Star, the Hindu Yoni.
This area in between the two circles constitutes the birth canal, the vagina also, and this gives us a hint as to what and why this overlap is so precious and protected by nature. The purpose of a relationship is not happiness, it is also to create, to give birth to something greater than the sum of the parts. In this center area of the vesica piscis there is the opportunity for a couple, a partnership of any description to merge for a purpose greater than themselves, to give birth, to create, to build something new.
Key 4. The Couple Who Grow together Stay Together
When a couple first meet, they have dreams. Individual dreams, that, with the merging of two lives, seem even more likely to come true.
Those dreams, and the increased probability of fulfillment, are called, libido. Mojo. Horny. Attraction. Orgasm, Romance, Lust, Desire.
Most couples soon learn one of the following:
a. The dreams they had were small and once achieved give birth to new dreams in which this relationship has no link.
b. The promise of increasing probability of fulfillment of those dreams was a fake, seduction and once secured in a relationship their partner is really only interested in self obsession. The promise of a shared outcome was a seduction.
c. That the very nature of a relationship with this person makes living their dream impossible and that the mechanisms put in place to try to make the relationship survive continually make their life a compromise. That’s resentment.
d. That as the couple grow and achieve their dreams, the new dreams they create are more and more disparate, and less and less of the space that was so wonderful before is available now. In other words, the couple grow apart. This happens, and nature’s laws would suggest, time to re-partner.
The way to avoid all four is to do annual vision quests as a couple. Instead of holidays with pina coladas, just sit for fifteen minutes a day for six weeks a year to revision the future. New exciting vision.
When a person loses their dreams, loses their vision for the future, relationship is often how they survive. We need to be careful about getting into that head space or getting into that relationship. When the human spirit, our true nature has no vision or dream, we seek substitutes, and substitutes like love, food, alcohol, drugs, greed and spirituality are all short term bandages for long term problems.
There are few things more important for a relationship than individual vision and it’s constant upkeep.
Key 5. Love is a lifestyle
I meet some grumpy people. I meet some funny people. I meet people who are successful. I meet people who are struggling to get a foothold in life. But the worst of it is when I meet people who don’t love their day.
Love is a lifestyle and this, more than anything else is what determines the quality of a relationship and the probability of survival.
I’ve written many books about this. Sacred Love is one. Love is a lifestyles and only the fool makes Valentines Day special. Valentines Day is 365 days a year.
But it’s not about blame or hope.
If you compromise you invite disrespect. If your partner forgets to kiss you goodbye, demand it. IF your partner doesn’t come home on time, demand it. Your self respect starts with demanding you be treated romantically.
I can tell you make tales about compromising this demand in the name of kindness. Like one story with my girlfriend whose ex-husband kept ringing her, abusing her, and she’d cry on my shoulder. I should’ve told her to go get a therapist or at the least, a lawyer, but I tried to be the nice guy, compromised, sympathised and in doing so, got the love of a half cooked partner, who was not ready to let go the ex, and built up enormous self depreciation for being with someone who wasn’t being respectful.
We need to draw lines in the sand in love.
To do so we need to be abundant and trust that if this person isn’t able to “turn up” then someone else will.
Nobody treats you better than you treat yourself. If you want to be treated with love and romance, treat yourself as worthy of it. Be kind to yourself, be good to yourself, be caring and generous to yourself. Be tough on yourself when you need to be, challenge yourself (ego) and balance your day. Take time for moments of love —
Fall in love with life, and life will fall in love with you.