I am by far the worst person at picking up chicks, but you know what they say “those who can’t do teach.” So here I am caught in my avoidant behavior by a stranger no doubt, someone that stumbled on something I wrote and realized immediately that I have been living in the shadow of “picking up fear.”
It’s funny that most people think I am confident, they see me laughing, being loud and joking around and they assume that it’s easy for “seemingly” outgoing people to pick up. Well the reality, like a lot of you may know, is that appearances are often not the depth of the person, and when you start peeling the layers you find that beneath the shiny distracting exterior lies shyness, insecurity, fears and maybe even worthlessness.
I was a really ugly kid, seriously, I had big thick glasses, braces (the whole headgear), really tall, hunched and long curly hair always in my face. I was not much to look at and with that came the avoidance of people; the bullying I received during my time at the French school did not help either. By the time I reached high school, my braces were off, contacts were in, hair was pulled back, and that little French accent got me whatever I wanted in the South African school.
Oh yeah! I went from being nothing to something different, and never had to or really wanted to learn to pick up someone. Also, being a big fat lesbian did not help because I had little interest in boys but I wanted to play and be friends with them which seemed to make them more interested so that cut the challenge of learning too.
So here I am thirty years old, sitting at a bar with my best friend without a clue in the world as to how I am going to show Tann (the reader I will soon not forget!) that she’s wrong.
Well needless to say it was an absolute train wreck, but I did learn some important tips on flirting and picking up women.
Here goes nothing:
You have to have courage and not the liquid type because that just makes you stupid. Believe in yourself that there is something amazing worth sharing with a woman your attracted too.
“Nothing ventured, Nothing gained,” I am such a true believer in this one. Having worked so hard in my education and related areas I have realized if you don’t try and fight for something you won’t receive ANYTHING!
This is a big one, “Don’t second guess the attention!” I am horrible at this, I see someone looking and I automatically think something is on my face. I think they can’t be looking at me it must be the person behind me, or they are repulsed and can’t stop looking at the weirdness. If you suffer from this disruptive belief then get an elastic band around your wrist and every time you have that thought give yourself a little flick (WARNING: pain will be involved, for those who get off on that, you need try something else because it’s not suppose to be a reward!)
Have a positive attitude about flirting and being open to the possibilities. Going into a situation with the “nothing is going to come of this” attitude won’t get you anywhere. Using the Alex thinking “you must come to me because seriously I do not have a freaking clue” needs to also end and balance needs to be restored. Don’t allow yourself to miss out on opportunities, for example: You see her all alone at the other end of the bar and you are with your friends and the two of you have been giving each other eye contact. Don’t wait for her, you need to approach her because a group of people can be intimidating at times or she may be trying to be respectful in case a girlfriend is hiding somewhere.
Be honest, let the big fat pink elephant out, called it what it is, “I am horrible at this but I can’t stop looking at you and I would hate to go home tonight regretting not having spoken to you.” A girl once said that to me and it literally turned me into a puddle on the floor, I could see how nervous she was and sincere and she got my undivided attention.
Be okay with “thank you but no thank you.” I know rejection sucks, in fact this week I was chatting to a girl doing my flirty thing (now that I am an expert!) and she told me that the distance was too long for her to have an interest. Yes, I was shattered and wanted to puke in my mouth with horror, but I just keyed her car instead and got over it! I’m just kidding, seriously!! People have needs and some will voice them, just be courteous and realize that you’re not always going to fit those needs.
Learn body language, the way people look and move tells you a lot about whether or not to proceed. Big dilated pupils indicate attraction, unless they are high then nix that one. Playing with hair, fidgeting, or stuttering like crazy (I hate this one) are all a dead give away.
Lastly RELAX, don’t approach the situation with the intention that she will be your wife and will have your ten children or that it’s going to boom and that if she felt the same she would have approached you by now. Re-frame it, walk towards what you hope to be a conversation and a voyage of discovery into another person with a destination unknown. That will definitely make the adventure more interesting (Thanks Tann for that one, it’s all you.)
Well I am off to Charlotte, NC PRIDE this weekend so wish me luck with my new lessons and if I forgot anything let me know!
Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru