My girlfriend is going to skin me alive after she reads this article, but she found out three years ago that my thoughts go against the grain in social issues. The question that I have been ruminating over the last couple of months was initiated by a friend asking me over key lime pie (my favorite!) “Can one person give you everything?” She was caught in a relationship where she felt emotionally fulfilled but was sexually lacking.
Now here was my answer, and this is not as a counselor, educator, or student- because I would totally take the safe and neutral stance by saying “well there is a continuum on every level of life… so… ” But as just me, I don’t think so. I have always felt that it is a lot of pressure to ask one person to be compatible on every level of a relationship. Imagine the work and expectations! With that said I personally battle with commitment and have difficulty with the concept of being with one person “forever. Also, my intention is not to offend the die hard romantics, like my girly, who believe in ever lasting partnership. I am simply exploring the question “what can we truly ask of each other in an intimate relationship?”
When I was 21, I ask my adoptive mother if she had ever loved more than one person at a time, especially during decade of marriage. She said “attraction is a chemical experience that we cannot control, but what we do with it is another thing”. It was the first time anyone had ever told me that in life people will always be attracted to others, but that it was a choice on how we decided to act upon it.
My mother, on the other hand, told me that humans are not built for one relationship for life- although she emphasized that to every rule there are many exceptions. With the world getting smaller and information flowing in a much more rapid pace, I find people are becoming all the more diverse and interesting. It is hard not to feel attracted to others or multiple people at once.
My girlfriend calls this a disease, which makes me laugh. She describes people who are attracted to more than one person (aka me) as being a sex obsessed and girl infatuated lesbians. And for some of us it’s true, but I do believe there is a genuine LESBIAN LOVE TRIANGLE that happens on occasion that is innocent, accidental and lust based. After all, unless you live in a huge metropolitan city, lesbian community tends to be small, and the law of proximity says that the more time you spend with others the more likely you are to become attracted to them.
The question is whether or not this is cheating or a defective behavior. The answer is in your intentions. If you’re looking for someone just to stir the pot of passion, or because you’re one of those lesbian bed hoppers (with absolutely no judgment because I am one!), or are always wanting what you can’t have… well then there might be more to your lesbian love triangle than just being attracted to another woman.
People have told me in the past that when they have been attracted to more than one person, it often feels like an infatuation. And the truth is when brain chemicals start stirring during the initial attraction phase you might as well be high. We feel like we could not live without that person and that in order to be happy we need them. We start to feel like our sex lives are better and feel more confident. The passion and intoxication we feel we have lost with one partner is being ignited but another woman. But when has anyone you know made a good choice when intoxicated- even when it’s induced by lust.
If your relationship is open and you both have agreed on being able to date, love, or sleep with multiple people than it’s not a problem (and make sure you are both practicing safe sex and getting tested regularly). But that is a rare and often not an egalitarian situation. Someone often ends up feeling left out or used/
So should you do if you’re in a Love Lesbian Triangle? You probably need to take a step back and see what’s happening in your life presently, and also remember:
1.Love has no motives- are you seeking something, such as lust, sex, or passion? If you are getting or benefiting from someone while hurting another there is no respect or allegiance towards either person you’re involved with.
2.Love has no rewards, but the gift of commitment. You cannot ask of another fully, if you are giving half of yourself to someone else.
3.Love does not demand or expect- If you’re in the “I WANT” state of mind and pushing your partner to be something they’re not then you cannot love your partner as the ideal self.
4.Remembering that fantasy rarely matches reality. If you’re having problems with your partner, your stuff will still go with you into another relationships, and the lezzie on the other side is not always greener!
At the end of the day if you are that torn about your feelings for your partner or another woman, take some time for yourself, maybe not being with anyone will help you figure out what it is you’re chasing. Seek guidance from a therapist that will help you gain some insight into the relationship issues that are troubling you. If there is a real connection, then it won’t just fade out because you’re trying to make good and healthy decisions- trust in yourself to learn what’s right for you.
“… The plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us.” Melody Beattie
Alex Karydi~The Lesbian Guru