Men are attracted to people whose bodies arouse them. They need to ejaculate through penetrative sex to obtain the physical gratification that may give them a sense of intimacy with another person. So men promote sexual love. They think that love between adults should always be sexually motivated because that’s how they experience it. Some men disrespect women they have sex with. Other men use sex to humiliate others.
Sexual love arises from a man’s gratitude for the physical gratification he enjoys with a lover. Sexual love involves a man focusing on his own pleasure rather than responding to a lover’s needs. Sexual love only lasts as long as a man is enjoying regular sex. So sexual love is not as long-lasting as platonic love based solely on affection. Women do not have an arousal cycle. Nor do women experience sexual frustration or a need to engage in intercourse or any other sexual activity. Women do not need to achieve orgasm with a lover, in order to make an emotional connection.
Men assume platonic love is inferior for being sexless. They think that an unresponsive person might as well be dead. If a man spends time on romantic dinners or money on gifts, he no doubt appreciates that his efforts are not going to help arouse a woman. A woman appreciates these things because they are indications that a man cares about her. This is the kind of platonic love (companionable and affectionate) that women value.
For women, the sense of emotional connection, the love and caring about someone else are achieved differently. For women, sex is not about functional biology but about feelings and mental connection. Women can be more relaxed about enjoying sex than men are because sexual activity is less functional and less needy. Lesbians are likely to benefit most from this female approach to sensual and emotional pleasuring.
Women alone have little reason to embark on intimate relationships with other adults. Male sex drive is the trigger that initiates most adult sexual relationships. This may explain why lesbians often delay starting sexual relationships. If women behaved like men, adult relationships would be much shorter than they are. Women’s willingness to offer intercourse cements the relationships that men initiate for sexual reasons. Women’s desire for affectionate companionship allows heterosexual and lesbian relationships to endure beyond the initial passion and novelty of casual sex.
Given their lack of arousal with a lover, sex is meaningless to women as an erotic activity. Women focus on platonic love, which relies on emotional intimacy that builds up over time by a person being consistently caring. Platonic love is about affectionate companionship and showing consideration for a lover. Women’s ability to care for a partner means that relationships involving women (heterosexual and lesbian) last much longer than relationships involving only men (male homosexual relationships), which tend to focus on physical gratification and a variety of partners.
A woman sees a man foremost as a social person. Women do not love men for their sexual attributes. Women love men who they can rely on for moral and practical support. Women feel cared for because of the sexual love that men have for them. But this doesn’t make women’s love sexual. Women are not aroused but they like feeling needed, admired and desired. Women please a male lover by offering him sexual release through intercourse.
Women’s emotional bonding mechanism must be sufficiently enduring to motivate them to care for children over decades. This bonding mechanism stems from women’s nurturing instincts and has nothing to do with sexual rewards. Men’s emotional bonding mechanism is much weaker, allowing them to leave the family to pursue their own interests. The key motivating factor for a man on returning home is knowing that his partner will offer him regular intercourse. Men love their children but they are not motivated to devote their lives to raising them, to the exclusion of all other pursuits.
Women get emotional payback in other (non-sexual) ways. Women experience nurturing love. Women want to share their lives with a companion who is interesting to be with and who is interested in them. Women see love as giving not taking. Women are motivated by nurturing instincts and the opportunity to care for others. Women obtain emotional rewards from demonstrating affection and by caring for someone else.
Sex is only one way in which people give and receive love, so although it is very important, it is not the only way to develop or express intimacy. (Jonathan Lenbuck 2013)