What Makes a Good Lover

I’ve always maintained that being a good lover is one of the most important aspects of life. It’s a mixture of an art and a science. The science is the knowledge of each other’s bodies, of sexual skills, sexual energy etc. the art is the internal part, the personalising what you know, the emotion, the connection.

The first characteristic of being a good lover is the Tantric principle of AWARENESS. Knowing what you’re doing and why is so important. It stops you becoming a robot and keeps you questioning and learning. A great deal of our lives are lived by habit, we do the same things the same way, day after day. Sexually we’re no different. Awareness keeps us on our toes, keeps us awake.

The next aspect of being a good lover is SEXUAL SKILL. It’s vital to know about our own bodies and those of our partner, to know about sexual energy, touch, massage, oral sex, toys, positions etc. it’s interesting that in a society that places such an emphasis on education we get very little of this type of education. The more we know, the more we’re able to please our partner’s and ourselves.

Once we have some of these skills we need to be able to apply them. This is where CREATIVITY comes in. Remember that the biggest sexual problem in long-term relationships is boredom. A good lover needs to be creative to keep the excitement alive. This involves all aspects of life, not just sexuality. It includes food, music, senses, feelings, sensitivity and more. It prevents our lovemaking from becoming robotic; it keeps us interested and alive. There is so much to explore and experience on the journey into sexuality and sensuality.

Then we need to be able to COMMUNICATE. It’s so important to be able to ask our partner what they enjoy, how they like to be touched, what they’d like to explore, what their fantasies are etc. and just as important for us to be able to express ourselves in order to be fulfilled. This is not only in a sexual context but also links to our feelings, to all aspects of the relationship. Communication includes both listening and talking, so we need both these skills. Knowing that we can say what we feel and be heard creates a great feeling of love and safety.

Which leads to the next aspect of this, VULNERABILITY. This is not a space many men are comfortable with, but vital in being a good lover. It allows you to give and receive, to express your feelings freely and openly, to share yourself on many levels with your partner. In fact we are never more powerful when we’re vulnerable, simply because it’s such an honest expression of ourselves.

Having a sense of HUMOUR is essential to being a good lover. There is so much that is absurd and ridiculous in the world of sexuality, we need to be able to laugh at each other and ourselves. Sex is meant to be fun; in fact it’s one of the ways that we as adults play. There are definitely things that you’ll do that will feel silly, but once you’ve had a giggle about it, it allows you to have some wonderful experiences. Remember that you’re never too old to have a pillow fight or chase each other naked around the garden with water pistols or tickle one another till you scream with laughter.

Being OPEN-MINDED is next on my list. Don’t reject any experience as possibility simply because it’s new or differs with what you do or believe. So much of our sexual behaviour is based on patterns and habits. Being willing to explore, learn and grow will bring so much to you as an individual as well as to your relationship.

HONOURING yourself and your partner is so important. This Tantric idea ensures that you’ll never force anybody into anything, that you’ll never put yourself in a position of doing something that you’re not comfortable with.

Being HEALTHY contributes greatly to your sexual enjoyment and makes many experiences and positions possible. There are certain peak experiences that definitely require a level of strength and flexibility, breathing ability etc.

Being a good lover involves LOVING. This is the ability to give and receive, to share love. There is a difference between having sex and making love. I’ve come to define sex as a goal oriented genital activity, the goal usually being orgasm hopefully for both partners. Making Love means at the end of the experience, we’ve made more love between us than there was before. That’s being a good lover.

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