You’re not attractive, you’re not ugly. The opposite sex thinks of you as “nice” or “fun” or “smart” but as not a sexual person or somebody worthy of their love and devotions.
Sexually invisible men and women have learned and (unfortunately) subconsciously chosen to be sexually invisible. Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, sexually invisible men and women have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships but can’t because they are not deemed as having sexual value by the opposite sex. Sexually, they are invisible.
There are several reasons why someone might adopt a sexually invisible stance in life:
1) Negative assumptions about the self following sexual or other severe childhood abuse. This can interfere with instinctual and intuitive responses to their sexuality;
2) Harbouring of confused feelings about sex and sexuality translated into feeling pressured to hide or disguise their sexuality etc.;
3) Lack of appropriate social and sexual skills which were never taught by adult role models;
4) No interest in sex – sex is a low priority in their lives. Sex is not a natural part of their lives and they don’t understand why others obsess over something so insignificant;
5) Stress – work and personal
Whatever the reason, sexual invisibility that may have been originally adopted subconsciously as a coping mechanism can have devastating effects on an individual (holding back, feeling sexually unworthy, can’t reach out sexually, terrified of rejection, can’t relax, act deviously, become manipulative, be afraid of of the opposite sex, be afraid of sex etc).
Sexual invisibility is not only frustrating but painful and can lead to depression or set up a pattern of secret sexual activity (pornography, voyeurism, or other forms of sexual substitutes) which only end up becoming a big part of the problem.
If you are an individual hoping for sexual visibility, you must move out of invisible to visible. Stand up, become visible. Not only have you lost time; you have also lost identity.
1) Allow yourself the freedom to experience your sexuality and get in touch with your sexual desires, needs and wants.
2) Risk (visible) vulnerability -socially, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually.
3) Re-establish healthy physical and emotional boundaries where you feel “safe”.
4) Learn “normal” sexuality and the progressions of dating intimacy.
5) Cultivate the “appearance” of a sexual person (one that defines you as a unique sexual being).
The good news is that sexual invisibility is not a death sentence. The bad news is that, this is not one of those things that you simply read a book about or attend a workshop and voila! You are sexually visible. Many challenges rooted in our “sexuality” need willingness to go deeper, be really honest with oneself, reflect on one’s reality, bounce ideas with a supportive friend or professional (with the right attitude and mindset) and really push oneself forward. May be that is why sex and sexuality is such a big problem world all over. But again we need it! We need to be sexual. It’s our birthright. And for dating success, you really, really need it!
For those considering this path, my website has tons of information to get you started.